Monday, November 26, 2012

Hubba Hubba with the Hubby Part 2

Wow, I guess when you talk about - you know - it draws quite the crowd. I wrote on this topic because it was a personal battle for many years, and from the response I received, I see I'm not alone.

If you want to read my first more-than-open post on (you know what), click here...

Maybe you're one of those always ready for some "hubba-hubba with the hubby" kinda gals - I sure wish I could say I was, but it's just not true.

After being married for a number of years (with growing regular irritations towards my husband), life & financial stress, throw a couple kids in there, mix with a few pounds of extra hips & thigh weight, and a pinch of wrinkles...literally that became the recipe for "Don't touch me."  

I'm not at all claiming to be perfect - especially during those tough times...I'm just sharing my heart & perspective on this topic...I just wanted to put out that disclosure ;)

The more time passed in our relationship, sex sadly became a duty/chore - and it was one I rarely brought myself to fulfill.  I needed our relationship to be closer, and was willing to do just about anything...but THAT.

There was distance between my husband and I - and me being a problem solver by nature, I wanted to fix the rift between us.

Now for sure, there needed to be communication and all that, but as I started a journey of putting sex back near the top of the list, this is what I discovered.
  • First of all, it CATAPULTED our relationship into instant union - and not just physical, but emotional as well (when it became a regular priority).  It showed that my husband's needs were important to me, no matter how I felt.
  • It infused him with the "can do" attitude.  When we see our husbands tired both physically & emotionally, it's like infusing them with instant stamina for leading the family.
  • It caused him to want to serve me more with the things that are important to me.  He'd look for ways to bless me.
  • When MEN are treated as MEN, they become even more manly.  Even if you have a man who needs to "step up and be a man" in some areas, treat him as THE MAN you believe he can be, and watch him rise up and grow into THE MAN.
  • The more I made an effort, the more effortless it became, and even discovered it can be MORE fun (can it really be more exciting than it was when I first discovered the fun of sex?! YEP!!)
Wedding Day!!!!
There are most definitely days when I DIDN'T WANT TO pursue my husband physically, but we as moms don't want to touch blown-out diapers, dirty dishes, listen to whinny kids, or clean our toilets - but we do it anyways.  

A wise friend/pastor's wife once told me,  "As my husband once said to me, "If I told you I wasn't "in the mood" or was "too tired" for a nice long chat about life, the kids, and our day - every day for a couple of weeks, you would feel totally alone, angry, hurt, and like I didn't really care. Why do wives tell their husbands, over and over, that they're "not in the mood" or "too tired" for sex, when women know that sex is a primary way that men feel loved?"

So ESPECIALLY if your relationship is not great, or stress is overtaking - put "hubba-hubba" time on the priority list, take the initiative to show your husband you care about what's important to him as a man, and watch your relationship start to re-bloom.

I'm not saying it's the "fix-all" but it's sure a big piece.

We absolutely CAN NOT serve the body of Christ, other people groups, or mission fields around us if we ourselves are not unified.  Christ even said a house divided against itself can not stand (Mark 3:25)

Monday, November 19, 2012

Deposit or Withdrawl

How we treat people:
the principal of Deposits & Withdrawals

Deposit - to put good into a relationship, to invest, to bless.

Withdrawal -  Asking something of the other person - or even to remove something unnecessary, harmful - to take out.

Little People Deposits

With our kids - if we want their ear, heart, loyalty, and respect we need to make deposits before we can earn the right to make a withdrawal.  For example: Imagine if all we do is nag, discipline, or dictate - without depositing/establishing a love connection and meeting their emotional need.  Making a withdrawal or bringing correction to them will not be well received.  All it may do is cause a power struggle - an unearned right to correct, and cause serious resentment.

But when we deposit love & quality time listening to their heart, we've earned their trust, respect and the right to make a withdrawal.

The Biggest Deposit

Let me put this in the perspective of Jesus - He deposits LOVE and offers relationship FIRST (Salvation) and offers mercy & grace.  He continually makes deposits as relationship builds, and as we learn to trust Him, THEN He brings us to a place of discipline and correction - and withdraws/removes harmful habits from our lives.  He forgives and loves us through our faults, and as we learn to trust Him, we're more ready to receive His direction and correction. 

Marriage Deposits

This for sure is true in marriages - I know in times my marriage was struggling and there were things I was trying to force into change (make withdrawals) - but when I look back upon those times, the change and peace actually came when I started making unexpected and sometimes sacrificial deposits into my husband - even when I didn't FEEL like it. Once there were enough deposits, withdrawals could be easily made.

Difficult People Deposits

Of course, you can put this principal into pretty much any relationship we have - but there's one more type that most don't want to think of...and that's the difficult relationships we have - with the person we don't see eye to eye with

It's so easy to be quick to go toe to toe with someone you feel is so wrong in their thinking - and maybe they are.  But how are you handling those people?  Are you trying to withdraw - correct, change, or ask something of - and let's be honest - (in an eye rolling moment) respond dripping with irritation?

Anyone who has made positive change of direction in life (most of the time) don't do it because someone harshly judged and strong-armed them (withdrawal), but instead believed in them and walked with compassion alongside them (deposit).

Try making a deposit - like Jesus putting aside the "sin" and spending time believing in and investing in the person...depositing.

Ask yourself when faced with a difficult person or situation, have you made a deposit before you're about to withdraw?  If not, I'm sure you can imagine the reaction you'll receive if the relational bank is empty.  If it IS empty, maybe it's not your place to withdraw in this situation.

Just imagine the potential peace around all families, communities & other relationships (good & difficult) if we made a habit of ONLY depositing before making a withdrawal.