Marriage Mayday #1 - Vulnerability

Have you even had a fight with your spouse?  Me neither - JUST KIDDING!!!!

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to be sharing some of the struggles & victories of marriage.  I'll be including worksheet pages from our "Marriage Mayday Kit" that you can download for free.

The Ugly Truth - The Weed
I used to think my marriage was divorce proof - how wrong I was!  Even after a decade of marriage, and a very strong friendship with my husband, there was still a weed growing that was about to overtake the garden of our marriage if we didn't do a serious spraying of round up & yanking to get rid of it once and for all.

My heart breaks when I hear of a marriage break up, and I used to naively think there's no way that could happen to ME.  But marriages do carry on blissfully unaware even when there IS a weed growing - and they will eventually find that lowly (or multiple) weed(s) have overtaken their marriage. The problem is - the weed is harder to get rid of the longer it's allowed to grow. Then one day either or both parties wake up and feel the only way they can survive life is to walk away because they feel their life is being choked out.  That weed seems to have too strong of roots to be pulled out.

The good news is, no matter how big the weed is, 

it CAN be killed & pulled.

There was a weed in our garden.  One weed that every time I allowed myself to be aware of it, I'd be so overwhelmed with the daunting task of trying to pull it, or kill it, so I'd just bury it for a while and pretend it wasn't there.

When we were first married, I saw the issue was present but like most blissful newly married couples, there was google-eyed grace, love, & mercy.  As time went on, and the issue was brought up, the fighting became more intense.  Then after a while, I just tried to ignore the issue - because I didn't know how to weed it out of my marriage; but when it was brought up, LOOK OUT - This is war and the gloves were off!  Resentment started to set in, dis-trust, lack of faith...over ONE WEED!  It's amazing how one weed can ruin such a beautiful garden...but this is the story of many.

ONE WEED =  MARRIAGE DESTROYED.

The issue was no longer the culprit of destruction, but all focus was on the person.  Now it's one versus the other - not the issue to be combated.  We were no longer seeing and trying to pull the weed, but fight each other.

Calling a Truce

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Then one day with the Grace of God, determination to have a peaceful marriage, and the wisdom around us, we had to call a truce - and find out what was REALLY plaguing us.

It wasn't each other - but the enemy fertilizing one rapidly growing weed in our marriage.

Someone we trust said to us, "The problem isn't YOU TWO, so quit attacking each other.  It has another name."

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Ephesians 6:12

 Pride is the fertilizer used to rapid-grow weeds within relationships.  Love is the round-up.

So step one was laying down our PRIDE and realize the other person was NOT the enemy of our marriage.  Rather, we needed to work TOGETHER.  

Oh yes, we have a part to play in either victory or destruction - so we need to choose wisely what we say and do towards one another.  Let's place our energies on fighting against THE WEED.

Committed to Love - a free worksheet download...

Click on the worksheet to download & print it.

Laying down your weapons...Write the areas of pride you are willing to lay down for the sake of love.  Have an uninterrupted time with your spouse to have a vulnerable talk about the weed that needs to be dealt with in your marriage.

We need to take honest inventory of our marriages - and do some serious weed hunting.

The weed's growth did not happen overnight, so neither will be pulling it up.  God can SURELY do a miracle, but we must be patient with each other during this time of healing.

Because I simply avoided our issues & didn't take the weed seriously, it truly scares me how close to allowing it to choke & kill our marriage it came.  To those around us, this confession would be a shock - and I wasn't being "fake", but simply we have always been & are great friends and for the most part, I simply pretended the problem wasn't there.  It's not like we fought all the time, but when the weed was uncovered - LOOK OUT!

I LOVE Israel Houghton's song "Moving Forward" and have made it my declaration in hard times.  No matter how messy things are, or how many weeds I need to pull up, I'M MOVING FORWARD, like Paul says "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippians 3:12...

What a moment You have brought me to?  
Such a freedom I have found in You  
You're the healer who makes all things new
 
I'm not going back, I'm moving ahead  
Here to declare to You my past is over 
in You All things are made new, 
surrendered my life to Christ I'm moving, moving forward, oh
 
You have risen with all power in Your hands  
You have given me a second chance  
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
 
You make all things new  
Yes, You make all things new 
and I will follow You forward  
You make all things new 
Yes, You make all things new 
and I will follow You forward
I will follow You forward, yeah, oh, oh

Here is more information about our Marriage Mayday Kit

Taming Mama Bear

My heart busts with joy when we are surrounded by a community of people we can laugh with, cry with, barbeque with, and play games with.

When we're in relationship with people, there will always be opportunities to get offended. If someone has rubbed us the wrong way, said something wrong...or...I'm sure you can think of a few examples.

As my daughters are getting older and having to work out issues with friends down the street, in church, or in different groups - I'm finding it quite a "political dance" to help them work through things at times. Dealing with MAMA BEAR can be hard to navigate.  It's so easy to get defensive if our (perfect) children (not!) get accused of  being not so nice, RIGHT?

I remember when my daughter was a toddler and went in those tubes at the McDonalds play park...and some kid hit her.  OOOOO, this 5 foot nothing mama turned into Hulk with a pink shoes in an instant.  Don't mess with MAMA BEAR!!!!!!

Here's the problem - if we're to look out for one another, stoop down and encourage one another - AND Iron out our differences (Philippians 4:2) that also must involve embracing those who wrong us, or our kids.

Here's an approach I've used over & over and it has actually produced MIRACLES - not just with the relationship among kids, but a high level of respect & authority among fellow mama bears.  To respect those in our lives, I will not be giving stories to illustrate, but this works.  When we've had issues with our girls' friends, we've approached the parents with 3 attitudes:

1. Benefit of the doubt.  I NEVER go with the approach that their child is 100% wrong, and mine is innocent.  This IMMEDIATELY brings any defensive walls down.  I do an approach something like this, "I was just wondering if you were aware of ____.  This is the story I have, but maybe I'm wrong and I would love to just get it in the open before it gets worse.  ______ LOVES spending time with ______ so I'd just hate for things to escalate.
2. I ask how I can help.  I love the "It takes a village to raise a child" mentality so I consider their child someone I can look out for and encourage.  So I ask permission to go out of my way to dote on that child.   This creates an atmosphere of safety & community.  Every time I've given this kind of support to a parent, it's literally a door to minister Christ's love to that family...whether they know Jesus or not.  What an opportunity to SERVE that family!!!!!
3. I talk to my daughters about serving & loving that child - ESPECIALLY if they're not being oh-so-nice.  Didn't God say bless our enemies?  I've watched over and over my daughters lean into those who others would consider awkward or un-friendly.  And the reports I've gotten back is that the habits that caused discord lessen - because they were around positive friends, instead of being shunned for their attitude.

People that have children who tend to get in trouble have defensive parents - like the "What did he do now" attitude and feel quite rejected in the world of children.  We need to come alongside these families and encourage them.

I hear often stay at home moms feel like they have nothing to offer the Kingdom because they feel so isolated in the sink of dishes, or mountain of laundry & snotty noses.  My answer is to go out of their way to affect the circle of kids around them, and their parents. You NEVER KNOW the eternal impact you are having by just touching a fellow family with kindness.